Download DEL-Understanding Europeans 2 Ed fb2

"Tell them you're a writer." That is a chapter title in this book, and it illustrates one of the differences between Europeans and Americans. For me, this chapter struck home. I have been working towards a career in writing recently, first by applying to graduate school where I hope to complete a Masters of Fine Arts degree. But when people ask me what I plan to do with that degree, I can not tell them the truth: that I want to write. Instead, I have to say that I plan to teach or take an editing position along with writing (which is true--I am not so naive as to believe in a magical diploma that opens up the world of publishing--but it is akin to someone who is studying to be a surgeon to say that they plan to work as an intern). In some ways, I feel like St. Peter denying Jesus; I cannot admit to my true purpose because of what people might think. And that is because writing is not viewed as a proper occupation by the majority of Americans, whereas in Europe, that answer would be sufficient.
This is indicative of my feeling for this book of Miller's, which is supposedly about those folk across the water, but ends up helping describe my neighbor and myself much more. Although we are mostly aware of the Puritan and commercial streaks in our national character, to have it compared and contrasted to the Europeans makes it much easier to understand. There are some basic differences between our world views that Miller is able to pinpoint with some accuracy.
Understanding Europeans benefits from Miller's use of his own marriage to a French woman as examples, but there are not enough of them to overcome some of the drudgery of his psychoanalytical approach to his subject. While slow at times, perseverance was rewarded by a comprehensive overview of the European state of mind.
Although global communication is helping to homogenize the world (not a totally positive thing in my opinion), culture differences are still strong and go much deeper than the simple talk and entertainment that we might share. Nationalism, something Americans only understand to a small extent, once again is making itself known in Europe, and we would be wise to be aware of its past impact in history. Miller helps explain the psychology of Europeans, from the lingering effects of feudalism to the most recent trauma of a war that affected the entire family rather than just able-bodied men.

HERE'S THE QUOTE FROM THE BOOK THAT I MENTION IN MY REVIEW, BELOW:

"I have great pleasure being with someone who has what we call l'exquise courtoisie, for instance... It means avoiding hurts, making things soft. There is a code of a gentleman: dignite, tenue, courtoisie -- a universal bienveillance for everyone. One should never hurt people. For instance, even if you're rich or educated, when you meet others, you are conscious of such norms and that your privileges demand courtesy. This is different from being merely 'nice.' It requires a thoughtful interest in the other..."

I can't believe some of the silly negative reviews of this book, and people taking umbrage. For heaven's sake, this was this guy's experience, and he's had a ton more (years of it!) than you!

I loved this book. I had a terrible time with my French orthodontist's LACK of listening/caring ability as we went thru braces for me (I am female, was 38 at the time; she was also female, maybe 50?). After months of my not being able to sleep before our appointments (I had things to tell her about what I noticed from INSIDE my own mouth, but she always completely ignored me), I finally exploded and asked for another orthodontist. We negotiated when I cooled off, and she bought me this book. She said in France there is a hierarchy and the doctor is well above his patient. At the end of our relationship, as she took my braces off, she thanked me for "Teaching her to listen to her patients." But she still didn't listen, even on that last visit, as she, with my mouth helplessly open, filed down a tooth I HADN'T asked her to touch (I knew how I wanted the final back-and-forth of my teeth to be and this wrecked it). I said nothing tho, too late and I wanted to leave with a smile. Sigh.

I had that office (after she left) redo my entire braces (she used glued-on wires to bind certain teeth together from the back - but I couldn't get ANY type of floss thru no matter with what kind of device). Etc. etc. When arguing for a "redo" the dental professional in charge of the office finally said to me, "She did my teeth too. I know what you mean." And they redid my braces (months it took) no charge.

This French orthodontist WAS NO GOOD because she never listened to her patients and hence never got better. (I told her I was afraid my teeth were going to crack, the bands were so tight as she was affixing the final behind-the-teeth wires -- i.e. the situation where I afterwards couldn't get any kind of floss or anything between them -- and she told me that wasn't so and just kept on!!!!).

You get the picture.

The AMERICAN orthodontist from this office who redid my braces was perfect. We had perfect communication. She sought communication. We were natural equals. I saw that we all take this type of relationship between ourselves for granted in America (I wasn't even AWARE until this experience that this good sort of equality/listening/caring-and-thus learning relationship was even there between native-born Americans!!!) It is a thing we should appreciate.

I don't mean to bash the French. One of my best friends is French and her pleasantness and civility are a thing to envy. True "politesse." True manners that express her caring. It's just that the relationship of doctor/patient I experienced wasn't good. But it's interesting that this French orthodontist HAD INSIGHT INTO WHY SHE WAS THE WAY SHE WAS - and she bought me "Understanding Europeans" because she knew that though reading it, I would understand her issues).

ANOTHER THING I LOVED ABOUT "UNDERSTANDING EUROPEANS":

It has a GREAT description of the best sort of European person, who is educated, rich, but knows how to
"make things soft," how to treat those with less than he so they feel happy and appreciated. I had a boss JUST like the description - American in this case, went to Bowdoin, then Harvard Law, partner and head of a department at Ropes & Gray in Boston... Had a word and a smile for the merest file boy, and everyone loved him. I was blessed to be his assistant.

Anyway, there are many many gems in this book. It's a FASCINATING read. Well written too.

I have a book that has been an eye opener for me. It may be helpful to those Americans who begin to sense that they are not "insync" with the Europeans with whom they live and work. The sense that there is an indescribable defensiveness, a manipulative art of "non"communication that baffles the American sensitivities. That feeling of being "held at bay", regardless if with Germans or Brits, French or Italians. A feeling there is a collective European attitude passed on through generations born out of institutionalized horror, surviving war and poverty, concealment and distrust.
It is NOT tourists, those who only experience sights and foods. It is for those American expats - or those living and working in Europe more than 6 months - who have gotten beyond romanticizing about those quaint tourist traps in which they settled.

This book appears to be primarily for Americans who have to live and work in Europe, or with Europeans; less for short-time visitors. It sheds a lot of light on the differences between American and European mentalities. It is well written, intelligent, witty and well-informed; it also nicely _illustrates_ some of the peculiarities (as seen from Europe) of American mentality. It sometimes exaggerates its points and is sometimes -- far from always -- self-congratulatory: Americans in it come out almost always as `outgoing and friendly', whereas, for European sensitivities, they are fairly often overbearing, aloof, and `uppity'. A European having to deal with Americans will profit from the book, but another one, like 'Understanding Americans' will be as helpful. As it would to an American reader.