Download Why Men Fear Marriage: The Surprising Truth Behind Why So Many Men Can't Commit fb2

I had to re-read portions of this book. When I first read it, I was disturbed by RM's insights. I didn't want to be that Bridge Woman!! And I didn't know that some men's fears could be so strong - debilitating even - that they would forego potential love and happiness in order to remain in control. Then I experienced it. Twice. Though I'll never truly understand men, I found this book satiated my intellect when reflecting on failed relationships.

This book angered me; so I layed it down.

I picked it back up and realized that all the things I wanted hidden, were printed in black and white for others to see.
So I laid it down again.

I picked it back up and discussed it with friends, black and white, and got mixed reviews and a general consensus of "we already knew that"- so I laid it down, and havent bothered to pick it up since.

Well written book, however I don't believe it. Some people just have commitment issues. Would embrace the book better if the book was fiction.Would have been nice if additional opinions were explored and explained.

Most people seek out only what they want to hear. American women nowadays tend to apply Romance novel experience to relationships. They demand a prince, they don't have a lot of persistence, and they use unrealistic comparables. Women do not look at themselves through the eyes of a prospective mate. This book is candid, and somewhat velvet-gloved. I would have gone further. For a man, contemplating marriage is kind of like contemplating crossing a minefield, with a 45% chance of a blowup, that will wipe him out financially, and at best a 10% chance of getting a good wife. Those odds would put fear into anybody capable of thinking. Can one trust American women? More and more American men won't. What did that comedian, Jimmy Fallon, say, he wasn't going to get married again, he was just going to find a woman he hated, and give her a house and half his income for the rest of his life? Marriage is becoming a worse and worse deal, for men. They have the sword of Damocles, over their heads, of a divorce that would destroy their economic future. I hear women in their 40's, on up, looking for that soulmate. They don't want to do the work of getting ready, usually, they figure the man will just love her as she is, with all of her problems, and usually the extra weight. The author does note that men don't want to marry a woman with a male child, because he will challenge them, sooner or later, and the man doesn't really want to be carted off in handcuffs, because he slugged the kid, because the kid threw his watch in the toilet, and said, "What are you gonna do about it?", or brought weed or other illegal drugs in the house, and the mother refuses to see it as a problem. He doesn't say that a female child can accuse him of anything, he has no defense, and... why would any thinking man put himself in a situation where a volatile teenager can put him in a Court of the Holy Inquisition? Another reviewer noted the differences between why women cheat (it's unforgivable), and why men cheat. He says that men can cheat without growing emotionally attached to their co-cheater. Well, I'm against cheating. If you need to play around, play around, don't get married. The author didn't say one thing I would have added: never rescue a woman, because she will never, ever forgive the man. He didn't note the incredible disrespect that women seem to hold for men, nowadays, in the U.S. Why would anyone put on a ball and chain of disrespect? He didn't note the demographic shift. A woman in her 20's sets her sights very high. By 30, the available pool of men has dropped considerably, by 40 it is tiny, by 50 it is infinitesimal. By that age, few men want to go down the aisle, for the first time, or again. It isn't worth it. He said something I thought valuable- men know they need women, but women have this fish without a bicycle idea. Cool. Who wants to risk his financial future, to be a fish's bicycle? He did not make one important point- men are binary, and have a breaking point. There comes a time when a man has simply had enough, and that's it, the relationship is gone. Women have like a whole range of feelings about a relationship. For a man, it's binary- either it is, or it isn't. Do you remember the Circle of Trust concept, in Meet the Fokkers? He talked about the "bridge" relationship, where a man is waiting for his ideal, his soulmate, and passes the time with a woman, just as some women keep multiple boyfriends, say, in college, as insurance. Women don't realize that men can play the same game. I know a woman whose boyfriend of some years dumped her, like this. He didn't cite something I would have: a man who has been eviscerated, in a divorce, takes that baggage with him, into new relationships, and yes, a little fear might just exist. Women don't understand that when they cut up a man, the next woman in his life gets to deal with it. This book is useful, indirectly, in showing women what they face when they are divorced, and want a new relationship- that maybe it is useful to try to make a marriage work, before playing the field again. What was easy at 20 is not easy at 40. His description of the effect on children, of divorce, absent fathers, and remarrying, is particularly useful. The five types of man to avoid is a very useful discussion. I know a woman, with a son, whose former husband, let's call him John Smith, has no less than 21 John Smith, Jr.s, running around, each by a different woman. He makes one critically important point: mothers aren't teaching their daughters how to cook, run a household, and so on. Why is this important? Because EVERYBODY needs to learn how to do this. He makes several other points that boil down to respect. How fascinating that Americans needs books on how to respect each other, it says something about the militant disrespect the media teaches. One sees women who are very successful, seeking a husband. The author notes that a man knows when he is disposable, in that kind of relationship, and many won't enter it. That is a useful point. Ken is only an accessory, for Barbie. The point about women who think they can get places only on their looks not being functional any more is right on. The point about seeing a woman as a good ex, before seeing her as a wife, is right on target. My aunt recently passed away. She was married to the same man, since 1939. She was as pleasant as she could be, she respected her husband, and he respected her. They were a great couple. For her husband, marriage was far, far better than not being married. That's what a man entering marriage wants. What guarantees are there, nowadays? Does he get it? If he commits, does he discover he's shot himself in the foot? How many lies did she tell, to get the guy? These are extremely important questions. Men are stupid in their 20's. Women don't seem to understand that experience brings wisdom. The biggest single reason men fear marriage is that they don't know what they are getting, any more. My aunt was a sure thing, for her husband. Women are much more variable, nowadays, and it is not easy for a man to feel trust, and plunge, into a crap shoot with bad odds. This is a useful book. I would have cited Secrets About Men Every Woman Should Know, and maybe Are You the One for Me?: Knowing Who's Right and Avoiding Who's Wrong, and yes, even The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands, for those who want to go further. I would further have said that a woman who seeks marriage needs to be on a diet that gives her a lot of energy, so books such as Bragg Healthy Lifestyle: Vital Living to 120!, and maybe even Common Sense Health and Healing, are very useful to have. Men know that a low energy wife, on a bad diet, possibly overweight, will only be a burden.

This is a very useful book. The Publisher's Review says the author is still unmarried at 40, well, so he knows his subject. What I find amazing is the number of educated women who say they can't find "equals" to marry. This book doesn't cover that aspect as well, though it alludes to it. Basically, their "equals" aren't interested in them. They can do better elsewhere. Or maybe they don't want to deal with a woman smart enough to gut them out, capricious enough to do it without warning, or justification, and generally expecting to get far more than she puts into the relationship. Women in my mother's generation were socialized to be good wives, and deal with stress. Women today generally aren't. This book has useful ideas for women to understand what goes on in a man's mind, and how to get beyond the fear. It is worth reading.

The book Men on Strike: Why Men Are Boycotting Marriage, Fatherhood, and the American Dream - and Why It Matters goes into considerably more detail, as does the book Boys Adrift: a response to a seminal book. Basically, men fear marriage because it is a crapshoot, gambling their financial health on a capricious creature who can gut them out in divorce court any time they feel like it. Marriage is a very bad deal, now, for men in America, and it is getting worse. There is no respect for men, in the media, and women generally have no respect whatsoever for men, in this country. This whole book- WMFM- has a number of useful points, for women. The 10 points at the end of the book are useful. Barbara De Angelis books, such as Secrets About Men Every Woman Should Know are useful, if you want more.